Bloggin'

SOME ARE MORE EQUAL . . .

2012-02-14T06:45:00.001-08:00

I once tried to blag my way into the V.I.P lounge at Heathrow airport.
The guy on the door said " But you're not a V.I.P."

Without a moments hesitation, I replied, " We're all V.I.P.'s . . No-one is more important than anyone else in this world ".

That made him chuckle. He let me down gently by saying,

" You wouldn't like it in there - it's dull and the people aren't very nice "

HEAVEN'S PETS

2012-02-12T11:12:00.000-08:00

My wife's elderly Aunt Betty & Whitney Houston both died this weekend. If it's busy in Heaven, do you think they'll share a room?

Aunt Betty had the same first-name & birth date as Her Majesty the Queen. Things generally turn out better, if you ARE the Queen.

Somebody's deceased dog could, maybe, be their Heaven-pet? It'd be nice to have a dog in Heaven. You wouldn't have to buy any dog-biscuits . . but you could still go for walks.

R.I.P. Nan, Whitney and dog ;]

THE MIND WANDERS

2012-01-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

I tell you this story because I think you might be able to empathise.

Last night, the my wife and daughter had gone upstairs to get ready for bed
(very long job in teenage daughter's case). It was about 11.30 p.m.

For some unfathomable reason ( possibly to amuse myself, whilst I waited for the bathroom to become free) I decided to sharpen a large chef's knife, on which I've been trying to get an edge.

I decided to try the 'butcher's steel' for this purpose. Somehow, I must've misjudged distances, because on the 5 or 6th downstroke I managed to pass the knife - with a firm slicing motion - across the top of my thumb.

Much blood and mopping with kitchen-towel. Quite deep, getting near half a cm; I pondered whether it needed stitches. It eventually stopped bleeding, I found some kiddie plasters with cartoon characters on ;] and watched t.v. for an hour to make sure that the wound had stopped bleeding.

My wife was first up this morning and was greeted by something resembling a war-zone, with blood-soaked tissues and plasters, scattered thither and yon'.

As I said to her, " I'm definitely getting an edge on that knife. I could have done that a week ago and it wouldn't even have cut me! " =D

Trouble is . . I can't bend my thumb for the next few day while the wound closes up. Can't play guitar ( world heaves sigh of relief ) and it may adversely affect my D.I.Y. productivity :(

Wife says, " What productivity? "

I say, " Ne'er mind. There's always a silver lining. I think I may finally have proven Einstein's theory of relativity - that, in certain circumstances, Time can actually go backwards!! "

C'est la vie :/

HOLIDAY DISCONNET - I MIGHT JOIN A CLUB

2011-12-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

As we hit the middle of the seemingly never-ending Xmas/New years break, here's a thought I expressed to my wife, earlier today.

As is usual for us, over the holiday period, we haven't heard from ANYONE in several days. As I said to my wife:

" Now, I understand why people join clubs. If my bladder can last the length of the service, I might start attending church - JUST TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS ! "

It's a part of the human condition, I guess . We don't go out to work. Our daughter takes herself off to college and we are no-longer involved with other parents. Our own parents have all died. Many of our friends/workmates have died.

Our closest and most similarly-aged rellies, who lived in this town . .emigrated to Oz!

It's now 12 years since we moved half-way across the country. People gradually lose interest in, " Those jumped-up folks who moved away, somewheres. 'Thought the grass was greener etc, etc. TRAITORS! "

And, in a final irony, my wife's brother and family who used to live an hour & a half drive away ( part of our reason for moving here) . . have since moved half an hours drive from where we used to live!! . . .and their eldest boy ( one of our fave nephews) has recently married & moved to Toronto!! :s

Me . . join a club? Yep . . just post me the application forms.
Anything to the left of the K.K.K. . .and I'm your man ! =D

Medical Matters

2011-11-09T09:25:00.001-08:00

I went see my doctor today. In-between discussing my minor ailment, we covered:

1. Whether sharks or jellyfish are the biggest threat to Ozzie & South African swimmers Doc said: 'Hippos bite people in half and they're not even in the sea.
2. The fact that the French like steak raw and the S.Africans want it burnt to a cinder.
3. Annoying people. I mentioned some S.Africans and some female Asian doctors who'd annoyed me.

And this was only a ten-minute appointment! Ya gotta love Dorset ;]

Cleaning Stew From The Ceiling

2011-11-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

It happened like this:

It was about 4 p.m., already getting dark in post 'clock-turning-back' Britain. My wife was fussing about in the kitchen, cooking tea. I could hear her grumbling and cursing when she dropped stuff ( which is often).

All of a sudden, there was an almighty crash and much cursing. She'd done exactly what I did, about a year ago, when I scalded my hand. She'd taken the casserole out of the oven and put in on the gas hob - from whence it had slipped, distributing beef stew all over the floor and the cupboard fronts.

Luckily she didn't scald herself and the casserole dish didn't break. She's been in a funny mood for about a week, so i thought it best to herd her from the room & set about cleaning up.The first 'sweep' went fine . . just the gravy to mop up. I resolved to wash everything thoroughly and return to the stove. Beef stew is not to be wasted.

Having calmed down, my wife returned and helped with the cleaning. We thought we'd got everything ship-shape when we looked up and discovered that there was also stew all over the ceiling ! I went & got the steps and we soon had it sorted. Beef stew is still on the menu . . but we won't be telling our teenage daughter about some of the more unusual stages in its preparation.

So . . if someone were to ask - like a detective - exactly what I was doing on Oct 2nd at around 4p.m., I'd have no trouble at all with my alibi.

" Me, officer", I'd reply, " Why . . I was cleaning Stew from the ceiling, of course. "

Case closed ;]

Five Go Mad In Morocco !

2011-10-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Between school & University (Nottingham, where I lasted just 3 weeks!), I flew to Bilbao, Spain, with another student of Spanish. We were planning to hitch-hike around the country for 6 weeks. My dad was SO mean that I had just £60 to last 6 weeks!! This meant that for long periods my food was just bread & tomato sauce!!

Luckily, we met up with a group of young Brits with a hired Ford Transit van, just south of Madrid, and they took us with them to Morocco for ten days for just £20 each, all-in. The fact that my 'vistors passport' wasn't actually valid for Morocco was easily overcome by some sleight of hand with the Moroccan border-guard. However, on the way back out, there was a cholera epidemic in the south and the Spanish wouldn't let us & 3 irish girls into the Spanish Protectorate of Ceuta (in Nth. Africa).

The van simply had to return to England - so we two, plus the aforementioned 3 girls and an extra guy, were all stranded in no-mans land for a week, after having been given cholera shots in the most unhygienic conditions possible. Needles were used and then left in a fly-ridden tray of water, which was boiled before the needles were used again. Long haired hippies were also being forced to have their heads shaved before they were allowed into Morocco. No particular reason - just a bit of fun for the border guards.

Talking of drugs, whilst stranded we met a young German who'd been give a Mercedes to drive back to Germany, in-return for the promise of much cash. Unfortunately, the clutch went and he drove it onto the beach. His documents (Including driving-licence photo) were for a girl! He knew there were drugs hidden in the car but didn't know where. He was about to enter Algeciras, in Spain , which is one of the toughest drug-search customs posts in the whole world! We gave him a wide berth, so as not to be incriminated by association.

If we were in the cafe in no-man's-land, and the Moroccan Chief of Police came in for his (free) lunch, we were advised to leave. The fact that he laid his loaded revolver on the table before commencing was probably warning enough, to be honest.

After seven days, on the stroke of midnight, it was deemed that the innoculations would have taken effect and we were allowed into Spanish Ceuta. From there we took the ferry across to Algeciras, on the Spanish mainland, before splitting into groups of two in order to hitch-hike back to the U.K.

My friend and I almost fell at the final hurdle when we foolishly set up our tent underneath an electricity pylon, opposite the airport in Bilbao, the night before our departure. When the security guard asked why we were not on a campsite, I said that it was because we had no money.

Big mistake!! I had forgotten that Franco's Spain had very tough vagrancy laws. Anyone found with less than the equivalent of GB£20 on them could be thrown into jail for vagrancy. Luckily, my pal had richer parents than my own and his promise that he would lend me some of his cash was sufficient for me to avoid jail.

We got home, safely, with chestnut-brown suntans and hair bleached blonde by the sun. I had lost at least a stone in weight, and the sun had had such a health-giving effect on me that I hardly felt the cold, at all, that winter.

How on-earth we survived all of these mad adventures . . unscathed . . and with so little planning . . . will forever remain a mystery and stand as an enduring example, perhaps, of what can be achieved with 'youth' and pure, unadulterated 'dumb-luck' on your side.

Riots & Respect For Politicians

2011-08-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

I think our politicians lost youngsters' respect when they were seen to be 'looting' their own expenses system, a while back.

After all, is there really so much difference between a teenager looting a pair of trainers and a politician claiming rent for a property he actually owns, or claiming mortgage-interest for a property where none actually exists . .etc, etc, etc ? Theft is still theft, isn't it ?

Also . . the London Mayor, the P.M. , the deputy P.M. and the Chancellor . . . ALL on hol's at the same time & seemingly in no rush to return. What impression does that give of their interest in the affairs of the country and the safety of its citizens ?

A statement from outside No.10, early on, might have done much to reassure the nation and to dissuade the rioters. As it was, I fear that they took the Government's seeming indifference as a green light for them to continue their rampage, with horrific and entirely predictable consequences.

" With great power comes great responsibility ", said Voltaire, quoting the ancient Greek Philosopher, Socrates. It is a very old adage that our political masters would do well to remember. To hold high office in Government is more than just a 'job', and sometimes personal considerations have to take second place to the security of the country and the safety of its citizens.

King Of Bullship

2011-06-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

PERPETUAL MOTION MARINE PROPULSION (P.M.M.P.) is a novel invention whereby wind-energy is harnessed by the 'egg-whisk' rotor, mounted to the centre of a launch, and turned through ninety degrees (using a crown & pinion drive-system) to deliver rotational energy to a conventional propeller.

Once the vessel is moving, even in the absence of wind, the forward momentum of the launch provides sufficient energy to turn the rotor against the resistance of the air - thus delivering 'perpetual motion'.

In addition to this, the entire superstructure of the vessel is constructed from an innovative dual-skin technology. The outer surface contains photovoltaic cells, delivering electricity to charge thin, lithium-ion batteries which are contained within the inner skin. This stored energy is harnessed through ultra-efficient electric motors to provide extra thrust when at sea or for manoeuvering whilst in the marina.

The system was developed by Prof. James King, third Earl Of Snettisham and founder member of S.P.O.O.F. ( Scientists Providing Opportunities Of Fame) - a sort of T.V. talent show for nerdy inventors.

WHITTLING:

Professor King is a keen exponent of the traditional art of 'wood whittling' and it was whilst whittling that he had his revelation regarding the 'egg-whisk' drive. He says :

" Where others have gone wrong, is in their choice of materials. The first-choice material of 'metal' for gears is fraught with problems, especially as metals generally get softer as they get hotter. The gears in my 'egg-whisk' drive are made from organic olive-wood, a material which gets harder when heated. Additionally, I use only the finest virgin olive-oil as my lubricant. "

Such is Prof. King's love of whittling that he carries a personal supply of whittling wood with him at all times. He says:

" Wherever I am in the world, I always have wood when I awake in the morning "

We understand that, since giving this interview, prof King has sadly separated from his third wife, Sharon, due to 'Irreconcilable differences'.

BIOGRAPHY:

Prof King is the third male heir to occupy the family seat of 'Bullship Hall', which is situated nr. Booton, Norfolk, U.K. The King family made their fortune during the early 20th Century, when they shipped huge amounts of corned beef (bully beef), from Argentina, to the troops in W.W.1 in Europe. It was this fortune which built the family home, and from this undertaking is derived its somewhat unusual name.

2011-05-29T02:04:00.000-07:00

I wrote a 'ten-minute lyric' & I like it :]

Sweet Tenderness © Stuart Fretwell 2011

It’s been a long time coming
As I’ve walked (down) this lonely road
It’s been a hard-times living
And I wish that I had known

How a hard man can crumble
When a sweet girl contemplates
How a proud man will deny her
And tell tales of those he hates

It’s been a long road, and a lonely way
To get to where I’m a’goin’
I still can’t believe the love you see
And I hope that I am showin ‘

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

It’s taken twenty years to get here
Took more to seal my fate
Didn’t know what it was, a-callin’ me
And I thought it was too late . . .

To change the mind of a ‘sickly’ child
And to mend a broken heart
Then I came across you
Now I know that it’s true . .
‘Cos you took my soul apart

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Break:

What can a man believe-in,
When no-one else believes?
Where can a child place his trust
When they practise to deceive?

Oh, I don’t where the answers lie
Don’t know what’s the best . .
All I know’s I can’t live without
Your . . .Sweet tenderness

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Conclusion:

And now I feel the sweetest grace
Of a heart that’s laid to rest
Travellin’ was my one desire
But I never found the best

So. . .

I’ve hung-up my boots
And I’ve settled-down
And I know that I am blessed

I’ll live-out my life
Right here, with you . . .
Just to feel your tenderness

Sweet Tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

Sweet tenderness . . . whoah-oh . .

( repeat, to taste, whilst slowly fading-out :] )

I wrote a new lyric

2011-05-23T04:25:00.000-07:00

California Girl © Stuart Fretwell 2011

Soft morning light
Throws shapes through my windows
Perfume, like blossom, on the air

Blue cat is yawning
He knows that it’s morning
And, soon, he’ll hear your sweet voice from the stair

Your soft, golden curls
Remind me of an Angel’s
Your breathing, so soft,
You’re not aware . . .

That soon you’ll be waking
(Your) dreams all forsaken
And your eyes will have that
Special kind of blue

Like Venus, from a painting,
You’ll rise from ocean-dreaming
And nothing-quite prepares me,
When you do

Transition:

You’re heaven-sent
You have a certain magic
And loving you’s a special kind of prayer

(But)~ Your love is lent
- You have no destination -
Like a bluebird, in a blossom-tree,
We’ll never know when you’ll be there

Chorus:

Oh, California girl
You blew-in with the autumn winds
And nothing I say will make you stay

When summer’s breeze starts blowin’
You’ll fly back to the ocean
But always, like a blessing,
You’ll be here, on my lips

You’ve filled me with your love
Like a gift from the Almighty,
But, darling, please believe me . .
I can’t ever let you go

Grammar gripes . . .

2011-02-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

I used to teach English to foreign students from all over the world.They knew FAR more about English grammar than most of my U.K. students. The foreign students would NEVER have said 'could of', whereas about 98% of my Brit students 'would of' (sic). Grr, indeed ! ;p

Let The Children Preach ! -.-

2011-02-10T07:15:00.001-08:00

I just worked out why I find testimony/faith in youngsters SO affecting/convincing.

It's because you don't HAVE to believe when you're young . . . but when you hear old preachers, you tend to think,
" Well . . .you've gotta believe, at your age. You prob's lived your whole life as sinners and, any day now, you're gonna meet your maker. You're just placing an 'each-way' bet, to be on the safe side ! "

From Peoples' New testament:
Matthew 18:3

Except ye be converted. The Revised Version translates, Except ye turn, which is correct. The Greek word strepho translated in the Common Version be converted is found in the New Testament in the active voice in every instance but one, and means to turn. It means something that the subject is to do, not something that is to be done for him.

Become as little children. Humble, teachable and free from selfish ambition, like little children.

Ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Instead of discussing who should be greatest in the kingdom of heaven, they had better inquire whether they were going to get in at all.

Amen to that :]

2010-12-18T10:57:00.001-08:00

Thanks For Nothing!

For the second time this month Dorset County Council has refused to grit our 1 in 5 hill and the residents are stranded. All we can hear is the spinning of car wheels . .all we can see is cars giving up & sliding backwards down the hill. We're stranded on a 'ski-slope' , the schools are shut and the buses can't run.

The Prince & The Paupers

2010-12-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday (9th Dec 2010) was a remarkable day. Prince Charles, the heir to the British throne, was attacked in his car whilst travelling to a charity event with his wife, the Duchess of Cornwall.

This was in a busy Regent Street, which was filled with Christmas shoppers at the time. The attackers were not terrorists but youngsters from a group of 100 or so protesters who had been prevented ( by the police) from joining the demonstration against increased tuition fees which was taking-place in Parliament Square. Police had sealed-off the square, for some hours, and no one was permitted to enter or to leave.

Under no circumstances can such an attack on innocent motorists be condoned, whoever the occupants of the car might be. The Prince & his wife were clearly badly shaken by it, and so would we all be if we found ourselves in that position.

However, with that strange fortuitousness that sometimes occurs, this unplanned meeting between a Prince and some relative 'paupers' perfectly illustrates why people are so angry about the attitude of this Conservative ( in all but name) Government.

Here is a man, born into great wealth and privilege, who received his own university education free-of-charge, as did his siblings and his two sons, William & Harry. On a day when youngsters who have none of his advantages were taking to the streets in protest at the restriction of the access to University education to only the rich and privileged ( or to the poor, with the accompanying monstrous debt to re-pay over 30 years) - here was the epitome of privilege and power (personified in Prince Charles) making a stately progress to the theatre in an absurdly grand 1970's Rolls-Royce !

A political cartoonist could not have done better if they had been asked to come up with a single image to illustrate the yawning chasm of understanding and life-experiences between the 'haves' and the 'have nots' in this once great country.

My own daughter has just had a potential four and a half thousand pounds stolen from her - at a stroke - by this odious coalition of the 'privileged' which makes up our current government. She was looking forward to getting her 30 pounds a week Educational Maintenance Award to continue in education for the next few years. It has summarily been removed - no discussion, no explanation.

The 'gulf' of understanding arises from the fact that although 30 pounds per week was vitally needed and appreciated by poor students and their families, to David Cameron and his ilk it represents no more than the cost of a couple of sandwiches from Selfridges or a glass of Bollinger at the Club.

It is not, perhaps, that these policy makers are wilfully 'evil' ( although that could be the case) but, rather, that they have no understanding nor interest in how ordinary people live. They have always been enclosed in a bubble of privilege and , I suspect, they always will be.

David Cameron is, I believe , a self-confessed fan of ex-Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, so we must prepare ourselves for ' Nightmare On Downing Street : Part Two ! '

I, for one, have never been a fan of sequels - they often have all of the faults of the first incarnation and none of the freshness. Regrettably, we face 5 years of living with a Government of re-warmed left-overs and I, for one, am already feeling a little sick :(

Are Prisoners More Important than Pupils?

2010-12-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Sir,

I write to you with a matter of the greatest urgency. I hope that you may be able to give this matter your earnest and immediate attention before innocent lives are lost.

I have lived on K.H., Portland, Dorset for ten years. It is a vertiginous hill with an angle of 20 degrees and is quite daunting even in dry conditions. Directly at the bottom of this hill can be found a Junior School. There is also an Infants School and a nursery school nearby, together with a play-area and hard-surfaced soccer/basketball enclosure. The established 'school run' in the mornings is up the extremely steep S.M. road, along P.M. and down the equally steep K.H. to the school.

In all of the ten years that I have lived here the borough council have assiduously gritted these roads when the risk of ice/ snow was present. So far as I know, there has been no gritting this year. After yesterday's snowfall, nobody was able to use their cars due to the risk. The roads are now a sheet of ice. Even in a 4x4 I found it hard to stop at the bottom and my wheels were spinning on the ascent. It is incredibly dangerous and frightening. It can only be a matter of time before there is an accident.

I have spoken to Dorset County Council twice today, together with a call to my Borough Councillor, who fired off an e-mail. I have seen the gritter gritting the approach to Verne Prison earlier today . .but still nothing here.

Both my neighbour and I have been told that these roads have been taken off the gritting plan. Indeed, he was told that they will " never be gritted again " !

My concern is that a car will be unable to stop upon reaching the bottom and will either:

(a) plough through the low wall and end-up in the school hall

(b) strike and kill a child or children approaching the school or heading towards the adjacent play area.

Clearly, in these circumstances, financial considerations must take second place to the preservation of human life. Given that the approach to the Verne Prison WAS gritted earlier today it would appear ( once again) that guilty criminals are valued more highly than innocent children!

By the time you may have had the opportunity to take some action on this matter it may already be too late, but I thought it only right & proper that you should be aware of the potential danger to children of your constituents.

I have already spoken to the Dorset Echo about this truly outrageous and unacceptable state of affairs and I will contact the local T.V. channels in due course.

When an innocent Portlander has been grievously . .perhaps even fatally . .injured by a runaway car it will be far too late to shed crocodile tears or bleat about 'budgets' and someone will have 'blood' on their hands.

I can assure you that I am not an hysterical 'whinger'. A few years ago I was one car behind a van which hit a child on Reforne, Portland, who had run out from between parked cars. Reforne has only a slight slope, conditions were perfect . . .and, still, the driver was unable to avoid a collision and the child to avoid broken bones.

I would very much appreciate your help in this matter. As I stated at the beginning :

This is a matter of EXTREME urgency

Sincerely yours,

British Winter / The Dark Ages :/

2010-11-17T03:34:00.000-08:00

Gah! This stoopid weather sucks! It's dark when you get up . .and it stays that way all day!
Ahhh . . how we love the British winter. We're all broke and we're groping around like moles in our holes :/And, of course, we'll all become deliriously happy just cos some 'royals' are getting wed', next year. Tbh, I'm sick of that story already . . and it's on'y been 24 hours!

Appreciating Teachers

2010-11-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

' Tonight, a teacher is preparing lessons to teach you, or your children, while you are relaxing and watching T.V. In the minute it takes you to read this, teachers all over the world are sacrificing their own time for your - or your children's - literacy, prosperity, happiness and future. It's Teacher Appreciation Week. Re-post this if you are a teacher, love a teacher, or appreciate a teacher.'

I worked as a teacher for ten years & I know this to be true. The vast majority of teachers do their very best for the students in their charge. There are some teachers, of course, who should never be allowed anywhere near impressionable young minds; they tend to be mean-spirited, lazy, vindictive and inadequate. Teachers are drawn from a broad cross-section of society and, like all other professions, there will always be a few "bad eggs" who stink the place out.

Playground Jibes

2010-10-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

Comments allegedly made by supposedly intelligent Brits, during the Pope's visit. Despite the U.K.'s reputation for good manners, they apparently described the Pope as follows :

Richard Dawkins (scientist) - " Head of the world's second most-evil religion "

Stephen Fry (actor/comedian/writer) - " An evil presence "

David Starkey (historian) - " A little clown in a dress and red slippers "

If true, then they show themselves in their true colours with such childishly rude comments. It's like name-calling in the playground. How arrogant, uncharitable and self-absorbed they all appear to be.

" Don't look at him . . look at ME ! " they all seem to be saying, " I'm so jolly clever, aren't I ?"

The Olympic Money-Pit

2010-10-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

I have the great good-fortune to live on the beautiful Isle of Portland, in Dorset. Our sailing centre will serve as the base for the sailing events, during the 2012 London Olympics

I just discovered that some of the of grotty little houses that developers have been squashing-in near the sailing-centre are actually being built as office-accomodation for the Olympics. They aren't putting-in kitchens until after the Olympics . . . then they'll finish them off and sell them.

The land they were built on was practically the only flat, football-pitch sized area on the whole island for kids to play on . . so they took most of it away. The remaining 'postage-stamp' pitch will have to be shared with a new Junior School. Unbelievably, the completed properties will stand empty, from now until the Olympics!

Great! . .so we can't afford to build Academies or provide recreation-fields, or provide expensive anti-cancer drugs, or universal child-benefit or decent State pensions . . .and people are living-rough on the streets this winter, as always, . . but we can build offices for two weeks in 2012. Never believe a Politician when they say they 'care'.

Sons Of Seamen ?

2010-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about what jobs some well-known U.K. YouTubers might do, if the whole 'music' thing doesn't quite pan out.

Hexachordal, I reckon, could get an admin job at the Tax Office.
Charlieissocoollike would be good at selling Menswear.
Eddplant could run a friendly Pub, with alternative comedy and acoustic music nights.
Nerimon? I think he might get a job on the Essex Council, dealing with Waste-Management.

Whatever happens, I'm sure they will always look back on their days of YouTube celebrity with a great fondness - and why wouldn't they ?

A Very Unlikely Thing . . . At The Gym !

2010-10-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

I recently joined a Health Spa. You know the sort of thing - gym, jacuzzi, steam room, pool? This, in itself, is not unusual for a man of my age who's trying to make up for lost time.

What happened today, however, was a little out of the ordinary - even for someone, like me, who rather relishes 'the unexpected'.

I had got quite hot and sweaty and was taking a breather, chatting to one of my daughter's old schoolteachers whom I'd just met. We looked around . .and who had just come in the door but the Mayor & Mayoress, with associated hangers-on.

We didn't want to stare, so we got back to our 'yarnin'. When we next looked back there were 3 Mayors, Mayoresses and associated hangers-on. Okaaaay :/

Could happen =p Not that strange. Back to chatting.

Next time we looked around, however, there were at least ten Mayors, Mayoresses and associated hangers-on. You could hardly move for them! I guess it was an 'outing' for all the Mayors in the County or some-such. I must impress upon you that all of these Mayors were be-suited and regaled with golden chains of office. The Mayoresses were snapping away on their digital cameras and the Mayors were being guided around by other be-suited, important-looking folks.

I'm glad I went, really. There were only about five of us in the gym, at that moment. At least we made a bit of a show. The resident trainer had been pointing us out. I expect he explained that we were in-training for the 2012 Olympics . .but had been barred from the Commonwealth games, on the grounds that we would eat all the curry and drink all the Kingfisher lager.

Apparently, the whole group also descended on the pool area; some strolling around in their street shoes . .and taking pictures. That's not on, now is it . .V.I.P.'s or not.

'Tis a strange place, My Dorset home, it never stops surprising me =p

I also stuck my head in both the sauna and the steam room for the first time, today . . but that's as far as it got. It was like sitting next to an iron-foundry. Not for me, I'm afraid . .I'm more 'clerical ' ;]

About 'Dads'

2010-09-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

I read a teenage guy's Tweet, today, about how all Dad's are crap at jokes. There is some truth in this . . but I hope he still loves his Dad. Dad's are people, too, and it's sad if their children dislike or disrespect them. I loved my late father to bits . .still do . .although he never really showed much overt affection. I guess he showed he cared in other ways. He would've loved to have met you and you would have found him funny, for sure.

I was puzzling about this, yesterday. My paternal Grandad was a very cold, Victorian father . .so I can't imagine how my Dad turned-out so well. I think it must've been his 6 yrs at War, in Nth Africa & Italy. It seemed to give him a perspective on life that a home-body might have lacked.

When I asked him about the War, he simply told me that when he saw kids playing the same games in Africa , Italy . .wherever . . .it just clicked with him that we were all the same - all brothers and sisters. He also had a great facility with language. I never saw him pick up a book, so I guess it must've come from his schooling. Kids were taught to read poetry and spell properly, back in the day.

" Love ya, Dad, . . thanks for everything " :]

A scene from the early Church

2010-09-22T03:15:00.000-07:00

From the front, sweetly sung :

" Stand up, stand up, for Jesus . . . and let his glory be."

(Almost immediately, from the back, . . . somewhat louder & coarser)

" SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN FOR JESUS . . . THE BEGGARS AT THE BACK CAN'T SEE ! "

Moral: You have to consider all members of society when planning an event =p

Would Jesus buy a Mercedes ?

2010-09-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

I caught a few minutes of evangelist, Joyce Meyer, on Christian radio. She made a good point - she said:

' The World says: "Show me & I will believe", but God says: " Believe & I will show you.

The World says: " If you want to be rich, be a miser and hoard your money"
God says: " If you want to be rich, give-away some money - share your wealth " '

I think this points-up the problem people have with becoming Christians. They expect it to be like The World . . but it's the opposite. That's why Richard Dawkins' idea of trying to apply scientific principles is silly. They just don't apply.

Pavlov DogTube

2010-09-14T03:35:00.000-07:00

I saw a commentator, ages ago, talking about this. He said that the numbers-tally is the addictive aspect of the whole YouTube thing. It's how YouTubers get their 'fix' and feel validated. I think there's something in this. It's a 'reward' that doesn't cost Google anything. Participating in YouTube has, at times, made me feel like a pigeon in a behavioural experiment - Google switches-on the light, and we all press that button =p Excuse me, I'm inexpicably salivating. Oops! It's that bell again!

Autumn In Springtime . . .

2010-09-13T03:23:00.000-07:00

Today I received some lovely photographs from a young Brisbane-based friend, showing his first picnic of the year with his girlfriend, in what is now early Spring for them.

I'm always fascinated by the fact that, for this brief moment, the climates in my own hometown of Weymouth and Portland and his, in Brisbane, are pretty similar. Soon, of course, the sunshine see-saw starts to tilt . . giving us progressively less sun and Australians, more . . before tilting back again and reaching equilibrium, once more, in 6 months time. Having friends on the other side of the globe gives one a very real experience of how all this stuff works. It's much easier to understand the seasons when you can see the process in-action, globally

Today (Sunday) was a perfect example of an early-autumn day for us; and, being my wife's, birthday, we went on an afternoon walk around the wooded headland in Weymouth called 'The Nothe', with views all-around out to sea. Barely had we begun our walk when a squirrel appeared in the middle of the path . . eager to see what treats we had for it.

By the look of it, it was a pregant female. She sat on the park bench next to my teenage daughter for about 20 mins, as my daughter hand-fed it with brazil nuts, dried coconut & dried banana and raisins. Clear blue skies, not a breath of wind, very hot . . people out sunning themselves on the grass . .and the air fillled with swallows who were, rather unfortunately, snatching the beautiful dragon-flies from the air and gobbling them up . . .as the rich folks raced-about in the bay, in their ultra-expensive motor cruisers . . .whilst the Isle of Portland, in its autumn thrall, lay at-anchor just off-shore. It was the sort of autumn day we can sometimes be blessed with, down in these southern climes.

Of course, in less than two years time these same tranquil waters will be a-buzz with hundreds of yachts, sails billowing in the wind; the hotels and B&B's will be packed with reporters and T.V. crews . . and the roads, no-doubt, will be totally gridlocked - as Weymouth & Portland plays host to the sailing events for the 2012 London Olympics.

Do, by all means, come and visit us during those two hectic weeks in August - it should prove an exciting spectacle! But, if you want to see the real Dorset, set aside a few days to visit the county, out of season. You certainly won't regret it - spring or autumn !

Men With Bra's

2010-09-11T12:20:00.000-07:00

I was just starting-up the computer, this Saturday a.m., when I saw the postie heading our way. I rushed downstairs, hoping to avoid the 'ding-dong' which would wake-up my happily-snoozing teenage daughter.

Well, I signed for the parcel but, as I closed the door and went inside, . . .I found that I'd had one of wife's white bras attached to the side of my trouser-leg, as I stood at the door, for all the world to see.

Now, . .I had on my working-trousers ( which are patched and grotty), my shirt had greasemarks on it from working on the car . .and my vest had the remains of some pizza- sauce on the neck, which I'd sponged-off, the previous evening ( obviously not very well). Add to this sartorial elegance a large-cupped white bra, hanging down from my knee . .and I think I may have invented a new look - a sort of 'tramp-pirate' combo =p

It was some time before I could work out that my wife must've dumped it on the side of the computer chair and when I rushed to answer the door it had somehow hooked itself onto my strides :/

It could only happen to me - this sorta thing is considered quite normal in our household. In fact, I left it attached for a while longer whilst I waited for my teenage daughter to get up - and then I paraded around the room like a fashion model, showing off my latest look. I should've taken a photo !

O.m.g. . . .what a life ! LOL

Survival Of The 'Thickest'

2010-09-10T04:24:00.000-07:00

In the distant past, the ancestors of everyone alive had had great survival skills and were good at breeding - it was a case of: 'the survival of the fittest'.

Nowadays, in more enlightened and kinder times we have fertility clinics, social benefits and advanced medical care to ensure that almost all survive.

One wonders if, ultimately, this will actually be of any benefit to the long-term survival of our species. Can we prevail against the selfish gene of evolution . . and should we ?

Barclay James Hairnet ?

2010-09-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

When I was about 22 & selling cameras in a drugstore . . the whole Barclay James Harvest group came in from the hotel, next door, to buy shampoos & conditioners.

I struck-up a brief convo. Sadly, I'd already bought a ticket for that evening, else I think they may have given me a comp' (bah!)

I think they said something about "come back-stage" afterwards. I did approach the security after the show but I never got past the barrier.

They were o.k. . . but not great =p Their 'fros had gone all frizzy!

Steam gives-way to sail ?

2010-09-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

I almost bumped into Prof. Steven Hawking - in Cambridge, u.k. - many years ago. He was entering our favourite Thai restaurant, just as we were leaving it. We stood-aside to allow ingress to the good Professor and his powered chair but to our surprise - and in accordance with maritime convention - HE actually gave-way to us!

The 'special' that night might well have been something like: 'duck curry with fragrant rice & soft spring rolls'. Now, you can just imagine that - as delivered by the great man's u.s.-voiced speech generator. Hawking lived just across the road from the restaurant, so I bet he was in there all the time, lucky beggar! ( lol for my use of irony, there) =p

'Hope you had a good meal, that night, Professor Hawking - and for many nights thereafter. Does Thai food really make you think all those'deep' thoughts? Perhaps it's the chilli ? ;]

A Drought Of Love

2010-09-02T09:25:00.000-07:00

The famous author, Rudyard Kipling, and an Indian friend were both bidding farewell to a dear companion who was returning to the U.K., from India, where they had all been working.

Kipling grasped his friend firmly by the hand, coughed - slightly embarrassed - and then bid him a good journey home. . . before releasing his grip and pretending to brush some fluff from his sleeve.

Kipling's Indian friend advanced with tears in his eyes, kissed the fellow on both cheeks and went-on at some length about how much he would miss him and how much they all appreciated his work . . and that no-one could have done more, etc., etc. Finally at an end . . . he stood, sobbing and wiping his eyes, . .comforted by his wife.

When the mutual friend's ship had sailed, Kipling turned to his Indian friend, with real anger in his face, and said " That was terrible. The British just don't do things that way. You have embarrassed me . .and our young friend! "

The Indian replied,

" I am sorry that I have embarrassed you, but I 'feel' in the way that I feel . .and I must express my feelings as such. I have noticed that the British express love as if they only had a finite amount of it, and they feared that a 'drought' of love might arise at any time.

In India, we know that our love is infinite, and we have no fear of ever running out of it. Accordingly, we shower it recklessly on our friends and family whenever the opportunity arises. "

Kipling stood, white faced, listening to his dear friend's explanation. He then apologised to him, unreservedly, and was a much better and humbler man thereafter. The conversation added greatly to his future writing and to his understanding of what it is to be 'human'.

Richard Dawkins - faulty thinker ?

2010-08-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

The odious Richard Dawkins (dork-ins?) has been given a run of programmes on T.V. to express his biased and nihilistic views. The first show was an attack on 'Faith' schools.

At one point, he looked into the camera and said ( clearly, very pleased with himself) :

" Good people will always do 'good' things, bad people will always do 'bad' things - but only religion makes 'good' people do 'bad' things."

Errr, really ? What about oppression, misrule, persecution, poverty and hopelessness? Wouldn't they be inclined to have the same effect?

With such patently dodgy logic, how can this fool be allowed to pronounce on anything. In the show they called him "The respected Scientist, Professor Dawkins ". Well, his sort of faulty thinking is not even scientific, for a start, so I can't imagine who it is that 'respects' him for it -.-

His publisher, maybe? I'm sure he's made loads of dosh - both for them & himself. What a deluded, self-opinionated, fame-seeking, materialistic, hypocritical creep!

The Next Big Thing

2010-08-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

Is the glass "half-full" or " half-empty" ? . . . yieww desaide . . . (coming soon to Channel 4)

Perseid meteor shower - 12/13 August 2010

2010-08-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

I missed the peak viewing-time, but still managed to see seven meteors streaking to earth. Very impressive it was, I have to say.

On another-such August night, way back in 1971, I happened to be sleeping outside in Morocco when I saw the same annual spectacle, under very different skies. It was a mesmerising and magical experience for a little-travelled 18-yr-old. I imagined that it was like that, in Morocco, every night!

To see a few Perseid meteorite-trails again, some 39 years later, was like having old friends drop-by for a visit. The years just fell-away and I was lost in my happy teenage memories of a mad-cap trip to Morocco, all those long years ago. Still magical! :]

I once met British Prime Minister, Harold MacMillan

2010-05-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

When I was around 8yrs old I went on my first 'educational' school coach-trip to London, England. I remember it as being a cold, grey, day with plenty of walking to be done. I also recall the boat trip down the Thames, from Westminster Bridge to Greenwich, where we went aboard the famous tea-clipper, 'The Cutty Sark'.

Back at Westminster, our female teacher blagged her way into the House of Commons. The Commons Chamber was very dark, with intricate carved wood - festooned with cob-webs. The green leather benches looked very soft and inviting but we were warned against touching them (an almost irresistible temptation for any 8 yr old) as the M.P.s hated to get the residue from sticky fingers onto their trouser-legs! Naturally, several of our number did indeed touch the plush leather, to the great annoyance of the guide who quickly wiped them with his handkerchief.

We next went along to Downing Street and, once again, our teacher blagged her way past the security and we were invited to assemble outside the famous black door of No.10. We were instructed by our teacher to wait quietly and to speak politely to anyone who came out.

Presently, an elderly grey-haired man emerged, wearing what I presumed was a beautiful grey cashmere overcoat. " Hello, whom do we have here? " he beamed, cheerily

Our teacher explained that we were from Peterborough, and I was mightily impressed by his local knowledge when he mentioned "Fletton Bricks", a company for whom my Grandfather worked at the time.

I was struck by the old man's sivery hair, his soft, unlined skin and rosy complexion; his kind eyes and, of course, that overcoat.
" Your coat looks warm ! " I ventured with a smile. The old man commented on the coldness of the day, and I thought I detected a look of sadness in his eyes as he looked at my cheap, inadequate clothing . . perhaps with a little embarrassment. I think he would have gladly offered me his own coat, if we had been more similarly-sized.

He was rescued from his embarrassment by an aide, who indicated that it was time to go.
" Lovely to meet you, " he beamed, " I have to no go, now," he shrugged," boring meetings to attend. Enjoy the rest of your day."

With that, he was gone . .and our teacher was left, slightly flustered, with a strange, far-away look in her eyes.

It wasn't until I got home and told my parents about my day, that It was explained to me that I had met the Prime Minister, Harold MacMillan. My Labour-supporting father made some derisory comment about the "lovely coat" I had mentioned. " He's no-good," he snorted, " He'll soon be out!"

" Oh, I hope not, " I replied, " he seemed like such a nice man "

On reflection, I think that I learnt two important truths from my early and unexpected brush with the political 'elite' .

1. People invariably look better in real-life than on T.V. "SuperMac", for example, looked about twenty years younger, in person, than on t.v. !

2. The ruling classes had better haircuts, looked altogether healthier and wore much better clothes than us 'mere mortals'

Unfortunately . . . these simple 'truths' are still as evident, today, as they were then. Very little has actually changed in this voter's lifetime !

A sobering thought

2010-04-30T03:09:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the trillions of pounds the U.K. now owes is equivalent to borrowing £1.1million pounds, EVERY DAY, since the birth of Christ! Lovely -.-

What's wrong with teenagers today?

2010-04-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

Absolutely nothing's wrong with teenagers today; that's what I think :] The vast majority of youngsters are well-mannered, open-minded, enthusiatic, generous-spirited etc, etc. In fact, they're no different from what my generation were like when we were teens. Trouble in communities is generally caused by a tiny group of troublemakers - often from just one or two families - and it's never been any different.

Liar, Liar . . pants on fire!

2010-04-28T04:05:00.000-07:00

Political pants will soon be burnt to a crisp, in the U.K.

Progress ?

2010-04-25T04:53:00.000-07:00

My wife claims that my mental age is 13. I was quite pleased with that estimate.

Why read the Bible?

2010-04-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

In-common with all other books, the Bible is a subtly different book - and holds subtly differing messages - for each person that reads it. It contains the condensed Wisdom of the Ages, with great advice on how to live on this crazy planet of ours. It is, if you will, the original " Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy" Hence its appeal =]

Gin-clear & cornflower-blue

2010-04-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well . . . the unexpected side-effect of the U.K. flight ban was the most beautiful gin-clear, cornflower-blue skies that I can ever remember seeing !

Of course, that's how I imagine Australian skies to be, all the time . . . . together with those crystal streams, lands of milk & honey . .and Angels playing their . . . HOLD ON! THAT'S HEAVEN!

I got mixed up =s

Today, with flights back to normal, the skies are full of condensation trails, once more, and we see a return to the feeble washed-out blue that we're used to. 'Made me realise that when my grandparents maintained that, in their day, the summers were longer, the light was clearer, and there were wild flowers, insects, and birds a-plenty . . . . well, maybe it was all true !

Hot Air

2010-04-19T11:38:00.001-07:00

Isn't it great that U.K. politicians have had all of their plans ruined, this week. They had fully expected that every front page and every lead-story would feature their disingenous electioneering nonsense. Instead, that spot has been occupied by an Icelandic volcano & the ensuing travel chaos caused by its even greater output of hot air and half-baked outpourings. Seems like Divine providence to me =]

Evidence For The Soul?

2010-04-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

I had glandular fever, very badly, when I was about 10 yrs old. I ran a high fever and was not really with it for much of the time. I couldn't lift my head from the pillow,'cos of the pain in my neck. I was off-school for weeks. On my worst night, when mum stayed awake to watch over me, . . apparently, I was moaning and threshing about all night and she was really worried.

Well . . I think I was granted a 'state of grace' or something of the sort,'cos in my head I knew nothing of this. In my unconscious mind, I was overlooking a beautiful green valley, with a sparkling stream at the bottom and fairies ( yes, fairies!) flitting around amongst the colourful, perfumed flowers. The light and the colours were brighter than anything I'd ever experienced and the air, itself, had the most beautiful perfume.

In the distance, I could see a man and a woman I seemed to know. The man was leaning on a spade. As I got nearer, I realised that they were my dads parents - but much younger. I wanted to go down into this beautiful valley to be with them, but they said it wasn't my time, but I could come back someday. I moved toward them and they said, "No, . . you've got to go. Can't you hear your mother calling?"

Well, I woke up to mum calling my name. It was a wonderfully fresh, sunny day, but I told her I was really annoyed she'd woken me, 'cos I was having the most wonderful dream of my life, and told her all about it. Strange thing is . . .Grandad was still living at the time . . .but I definitely felt that someone was watching over me, that night.

On another occasion ( I was a little younger) a dentist came close to killing me with too much gas. As my semi-conscious self struggled to breathe . . .I suddenly found myself floating up near the ceiling, in the waiting room, looking down on my parents. I was calm but curious and drifted down to their level 'til I was seeing through my mother's eyes. The nurse came out of the surgery and gave them( and me) a real worried look as she went to get something. She'd gone to get some smelling-salts and, as the dentist broke the glass vial under my nose, I was snapped back, as if on elastic, into the dentist's chair and mum rushed in to pick me up, crying . ."What have you done to him!".

For a few days, all the colour left the world and I was really sad. It seemed like I'd 'half' died. Gradually, it came back . . but never to that luminous childhood brightness that it had been before.
So . . I never worry about dying. So far as I know, the soul is incapable of worry or upset or pain. All of that stuff resides somewhere in our mortal body, and at our moment of passing . . . well, we'll just feel curiosity - nothing more.

'Masters' of the Universe ?

2010-04-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

You know . . I'm so old, that, when I was a kid and went to the doctors, he would address me as
"Master Fretwell". In those days, this was a common form of address for boys in school, too. Grown-ups would commonly address a male child as 'Master . ." instead of 'Mr ' to differentiate him from an adult.

I'm just darn' glad that my surname wasn't 'Bates'. That would've been SO embarrassing -.-

Thoughts from an English village church

2010-04-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

:}

I found this traditional Gaelic blessing in a village church, the other day.

Deep peace of the running water to you

Deep peace of the flowing air to you

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you

Deep peace of the shining stars to you

Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you

Forever . . .

1960's skooldaze and the bus to oblivion

2010-04-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Back in the 60's, I used to have a 50 min bus ride to & from my High School . .and that was the best bit of the day, in some ways. Mind you, our handwriting used to look appalling - written on the upper deck of an old 1950's double-decker bus! There was one particular corner where the ancient omnibus always healed-over quite a bit.

One day, just for fun, the boys on the upper deck all jumped over to that side of the bus as it rounded the corner. We actually managed to get the wheels off the ground on the opposite side! The driver was still white-faced with shock when he got off =p Ahhh . . . schooldaze

Easter eggs

2010-04-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

Allegedly, Mary Magdalen was called before the Roman Governor to be questioned ref the disappearance of Christ's body from the tomb. She was carrying an egg in her hand.

The Roman scoffed at her testimony: " Ha!" he said, " The Nazarene was no-more resurrected than that egg can turn red. "

The egg promptly turned red . . .and that is one possible reason why we have Easter eggs. (yum-yum) . . .signifying 'new life'.

'Funnies' from my t.v . guide

2010-03-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

More 'funnies ' from my TV guide

1. An Australian Army vehicle, worth A$74,000 has gone missing - after being painted with camouflage paint.

2. The Infants School on Hanson Street reports a man, across the way, stands at his window for hours watching the school . . . making parents nervous. Police I.D. the subject as a cardboard cut-out of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. Tombstone for sale. Standard grey. A good buy for someone named Grady. (lol)

4. Broadcaster, Sandi Toksvig : " I like frogs. I am not crazy about their legs in a buffet, but I like their casual approach to life "

5. Broadcaster, Clive James : " The smartest move I ever made in showbiz was to start off looking like the kind of wreck I would end up as. I was already 'aged in the wood' "

6. Excuses made on car insurance claim forms :

(i) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

(ii) The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go . . . so I ran him over.

(iii) When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car

(iiii) I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gent' . . .as he bounced off the hood of my car.